I Almost Died Last Night

Our cat, Goat, got into the window sill that is right above the head of our bed. He knocked something off of it (could have been anything really, like a bug, but I think it was a coin) and the object landed directly into my windpipe. I choked almost to death but after a minute or so I swallowed the thing. I cried by eyes out and Blake comforted me until I fell back asleep. The clincher to this story is the fact that I don't remember it whatsoever. The next morning when Blake mentioned it I had no idea what he was talking about. He told me the whole story and still nothing. Last night I nearly choked to death and it didn't even wake me up.

Holy crap.

GRR

I have to go to Portland on my day off to see a specialist because I live in a backward-ass hick town with nothing but a bowling alley and a river. I want out, sooner than later preferably. I hate this town.

This is a Completely New Kind of Pissed Off for Me

Where do I start...

I suppose I should start by explaining how service at Sunshine Pizza works. We have the resources for a partial service restaurant: customers order at our counter, there is a soda fountain available to them, and we have one waitress to tend to the entire floor. But the management insists on projecting excellent customer service, so when you're the waitress for the night you're completley fucked. There is seating for 178 customers in that restaurant and the waitress is expected to attended to every customers need. Every togo box, or drink, or spoon, or cup that a customer gets up and asks for gets the waitress in trouble. So keep in mind that a full house is a fucking nightmare for the waitress.

Kiana asked me to work for her on Saturday night. I was already going to work 9am-4:30pm on Saturday, but I agreed to also work from 5-9. That's right, 12 hours with a 30 minute break. Whoo. I knew it wouldn't be too bad, I had done it before. And I didn't have to work the next day so I was all for it. But when I got to work Saturday morning the first opener was way behind. The opener's job is not closely watched and recently we got a new opener. Once she (Mindy) got into a routine for opening she got really fucking lazy really fucking quickly. So Saturday morning I was behind in my job by more than an hour because she was so damn behind in her job. The manager freaked out on me, not her, and so by 11am I was already pretty pissed off. But it got way worse.

SOMEBODY overbooked the restaurant for afternoon soccer parties and we had the busiest Saturday lunch I've ever seen. Then Mindy went and bitched to my manager that I couldn't handle my job, I was way behind, and I was fucking things up for all the staff. So I got bitched at again. I was nearly yelling at Mindy by the time she got off of her shift. I was enraged.

Then (while we're understaffed, overbooked, and I'm kinda winging my entire job) Sarah calls to tell me that she wants ME to explain to Sissy (the manager who already wants to eat my soul at this point in the day) that she can't come in tonight because of a family emergency. I asked her three times to just wait on hold and I'll get Sissy for her. The third time she says, "No, I have to go right now." And she hangs up. I was so mad at her because I knew Sissy was again going to be mad at me, this time for not letting her talk to Sarah directly. And I was so busy with all the customers that I completely forgot to stop at actually tell Sissy that Sarah called. So when 5:30 comes around and Sarah is half an hour late, a coworker jokingly poses me the question "Ya think Sarah's gonna come in to work tonight?"

My stomach dropped. I ran and told Sissy that I forgot to tell her Sarah had called this morning. I got suspended from work for two of my next shifts.

I was so many new kinds of pissed off on Saturday night that I spent the last three hours of my shift half crying and half choking it back so I wouldn't cry. I am SO looking for a new job. I really can't summon the proper curses to show how indignant and pissed off I really am. Wow.

College Continued

Well, first week wasn't so bad. I had to change my shcedule a bit but I am thrilled with the change. I dropped Math 111B and picked up Political Science 201. I have a very interesting and easy going PS teacher, which is awesome. And this new class requires no text book. That's right, NO TEXT BOOK TO BUY!! I could cry for joy. That's an extra 98 bucks or so in my pocket. The text for the class is all online. I'm loving this.

I already have a test on Monday for Writing 121 but it's one I'm excited about honestly. The teacher is very entertaining.

And my Math teacher is awesome as well. She doesn't speak English well at all. But the grammar for this class is all stuff I have learned, so now I'm getting the actual speaking practice that I've needed for so very long.

The only down side would be that I haven't felt anything but entirely exhausted since last Sunday. But I'm young. College students are supposed to abuse their youth, right?

I even got a little yellow button for free that reads 'I read banned books.'

I love college.

College

I start college tomorrow and already I have a bit of a predicament. A new MMO called Aion launched today and under normal circumstances I would play this game until about 5 o'clock tomorrow morning. But I have to be up at 8am to go to my very first college class ever. AND my last class ends at 9pm tomorrow. It's going to be a very long day.

Monday and Wednesday:
WR 121 11am-12:50pm
MTH 111B 1pm-3:30pm
SPA 201 6:30pm-8:30pm
SPA 211 8:30pm-9pm

The first two are at Rock Creek. The two Spanish classes are at Cascade. So I have 7 hours of class over a 10 hour period. Plus on a normal basis I'll be leaving Saint Helens at 10am and arriving back home again at 10pm. Twice a week. Blugh. I'm excitedfor it, truly I am, but it's not going to be so easy. Plus I'm working split shifts from 10am-2pm and 5pm-9pm 4 days a week. Ah, college life. At least my rent is super low so I will not be dining twice a day on ramen noodles. Though I will have to learn to get up early, eat breakfast before leaving, and pack food for the days I have school.

Realistically I'm probably going to stay up until like 2 in the morning to play Aion. But I know I ought to go to bed around 10. Ugh. Maybe I'll be smart and crap out at like midnight. It feels incredibly stupid, but I'm loving this game, and I must play it for hours tonight. Must.

The Great Migration

This will be the first summer since I moved to Saint Helens that I will not be going to California to visit family and friends. However I am going to California this coming weekend to help my Aunt move. She is moving here and she is going to share a place with my mom. I think this is a great plan because my aunt will help my mom get her head out of her ass. Living with her big sister will make my mom feel embarrassed to be as careless as she usually is. No one else could have this effect on my mom because coming from anyone else she would just want to resist being controlled or changed. Also, this will be good for my aunt because her girlfriend just died a little more than a year ago and she could use some loving company.

I love me aunt Janice. She's great in every way. She was a crazy liberated hippie woman back in the early 50's, before it was cool, and so she has her biasis against religion and government that are understandable. She is a feminist when it is really no longer necessary, which I understand too seeing as how she grew up. She loves me, she treats me like a woman and not like her little neice, and she understands my issues with my mother.

I miss her, I can't wait to see her.

And also, I'm really excited for the 13 hour drive back when i'm driving her truck for her. Really, I am, it's a beautiful drive.

Speaking of Ms. Megan Fox

I am sick of my job right now. And it isn't the unfair manager, the shitty money, or the dullness. No. It is the other girls I work with. Counter Girls at Sunshine Pizza are hired to be pretty and fluttery and giggly. I know because my boss told me so flat out. The more I think about the fact that I was hired to be one of those girls that is selling my face (which is the most mild body part I could use to express how sold I feel) and not the food, the more I feel disgusted with my job. I laugh at things that aren't funny and I smile until my face hurts and flatter piggish men who hit on teen aged waitresses until I feel exhausted at the end of a measly 5 hour shift.

And it gets worse. I am surrounded by girls who are prettier than me and make more tips than me simply because they're really ditsy and cute while I'm just feigning it. I have always been so jealous of how they look like models ready to have their photos taken even when they're at work. And I hate myself for that jealousy because I know they only look that way because they are so concerned about how they look, so much more than anything else in life, that they spent one or two HOURS making themselves up to look like that just to go to fucking work. None of them have a brain in their poor little heads and I get jealous of them. Jealous that I'm not attractive like that.

Outside of the idea of selling myself as a waitress, when the hell did 'sexy' start taking two fucking hours to put on? Honestly? Why do people find the girls with 2 hours worth of makeup and hair styling to be so much more attractive than a real live women? It's disheartening, it's depressing, it's degrading, and it's fucking haunting.

At least I haven't done something about it. The bit of dignity I have left to hold on to is that I allow my time to be consumed with other people, books, and life to the point that I don't have the time to make myself look like them. That's that way it should be.

The Fear

By Lilly Allen

I want to be rich and I want lots of money
I don't care about clever I don't care about funny
I want loads of clothes and fuckloads of diamonds
I heard people die while they are trying to find them

I'll take my clothes off and it will be shameless
'Cause everyone knows that's how you get famous
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus: I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taken over by The Fear

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
It's all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And it's not my fault it's how I'm programed to function
I'll look at the sun and I'll look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

Chorus: I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taken over by The Fear

Bridge: Forget about guns and forget ammunition
'Cause I'm killing them all on my own little mission
Now I'm not a saint but I'm not a sinner
Now everything is cool as long as I'm getting thinner

Chorus: I don't know what's right and what's real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When do you think it will all become clear?
'Cause I'm being taken over by The Fear

Youtube music video for this song.

Graduation

In two days I will be walking in my high school graduation ceremony. I am fairly excited about it too. But my dad and a family friend keep trying to make me invite Tasha to the ceremony. Which I really don't want to do. They are too old fashioned to accept the fact that someone they know and love is a twat. I don't want her in my life; she is a bad person. She has been too malicious to me, and has selfishly hurt one of the best people I ever knew. She lies about me to my parents, has stolen from me, and has destroyed some of my property. There is no real value in a relationship with her and I don't want one.

Thankfuly my mom is a human with a soul and a mind and she understands my opinion. She has told me that I should never allow someone to make me do something that I don't want to do. She said this because she knows she can trust me to do right by people. She knows that I am not the type to just throw a fit and hate someone trivially. I don't like who Tasha is, and I don't want her around.

This is my damn night. Mine. Not Tasha's, not Mom's, and not Dad's. I earned my diploma with no help from any of them. Every grade I got was mine and mine alone. I can't let them take this out of my hands.

Now I Get It

Dusty recommended to me a movie called The Future of Food. It's GREAT, look it up on Hulu. But that movie also connected some of the dots for me from this picture which I did not before fully understand. This picture reads;

"Do you know why milk is being advertised? It's not to promote strong bones and healthy teeth. The Monsanto Company makes an artificial growth hormone which increases milk production up to 15%. This hormone also results in infection, deformity, and illness to the injected animal, and traces of this ends up in your breakfast cereal. But that isn't their problem. The American Milk Processor's problem is needing to sell the massive amount of excess milk before it all goes bad.

As for me, I don't drink milk. I'm lactose intolerant.

got posilac?"


This man is Dr. Phineas Waldolf Steel. He is a musician, an entertainer, dreamer, and hilarious. Check out this and other video's of his on youtube.

The Definition Can Bite Me

I don't give a flying shit about the botanical definition of a berry. I have just learned that by this definition pumpkins, oranges, and bananas are all berries. But raspberries, strawberries, and blackberries are not.

Fuck that dude. Bananas do not get to be berries!

A Second Tremor

Why on Earth are people so goddamned obsessed with controlling other people's lives? This particular 'why' has been on my mind much lately, and I just can't step past it. This has been beating my brain so much over the last week that I just want to scream it out sometimes. Why?! WHY?! WHHHHYYYYY!?

And it isn't only for my sake. I am not particularly oppressed but the people around are barely allowed to think differently without being shutdown; I almost want to weep for them.

No one is allowed to be gay, Native Americans can't be left the fuck alone, teachers can't hate their students, teenagers can't pray, people can't smoke in a car with their child, teenagers can't see nakedness or, God forbid, have sex (When biology does such torturous things too a 14 year old and then society tells that 14 year old that all of his urges and feelings and instincts are BAD, BAD, BAD, a person is bound to become a little confused and abashed about sexuality in general), boys can't like ballet, youth can't be republican, an 18 year old can't have beer, a student can't have her own prescription, a movie can't cuss (but blowing a German's head off? Now that's just cool dude.), a woman can't dye her hair blonde, you can't skateboard without being a hooligan, you can't have tattoos or colored hair without being a miscreant, you can't vote directly for your chosen candidate, you can't write in a journal without being emo, you can't feel as if you were born into the wrong gender and body, and you most definitely can't decide that you are right and your Representative is wrong because the media will change your mind, and if they don't well there doesn't seem to be a goddamned thing you can do about it anyway because billions of dollars have been invested in convincing the important people otherwise. And when you do try to do something about it or stand up for somebody or yourself you get mocked, laughed at, and ignored.

Why is it so infinitely important to control other people? Why are we so afraid of each other? Why do we hate so many things? Why do we manipulate? Why do we sell our Senate seats? Why has the Information Age coincided with the Unhealthy, Lazy, Indifferent, and Ignorant Age? Why?

Sometimes I just feel like "What the HELL am I going to do about it and why the fuck should I?"

Fuck!

My Laziness

Someone close to me pointed out that I don't spend any time on myself. When I have spare time I do not take care of things that I should. I don't try to learn something I have wanted to know, I don't practice anything that I want to be good at. I hardly even pick up my books anymore. I watch tv, I watch someone else in what they are doing, or I try to find someone who isn't busy to hang out with.

I think the reason that I do this is because I grew up very poor in very dangerous neighborhoods. I went to school, did my homework, and then watched tv with my mom until I got tired and went to sleep. At one point I had a bike, which didn't last long. And at another point I had a Nintendo 64, which again did not last long. I never had a computer, I never had many books, I didn't have access to the knowledge and recreations that I do now.

That's my reasoning, but it's no excuse, and I really want to change it.

Good Word

Expectorate: v, to eject or expel matter from the throat or lungs by coughing or hawking and spitting; spit.

I would have never realised that the term 'spit' was so grotesque that scientists needed to come up with a professional term for it. It's a kick ass word anyway.

Karma?

It has been a while now since my sister and I have gotten along well. To say the least, she's a terrible person. She stole my couch, refused to take her name off of my bank account, and started lieing to my parents about what I've been up to in order to get me into serious trouble out of the blue, and for no real reason at all. This is really the least of the bull shit she has pulled. Not only to myself, but to other people who she has severly hurt with her selfish and shallow ways.

Today I went to my bank, told them my situation, and they removed her from my account, adding my mother as the "cosigner" instead. Great. I went from customer service to a teller so I could make a cash deposit. When I got my reciept for the transaction it showed that there was almost $600 more in my checking account than there should have been. I was immediatly suspicious and went right back to the customer service desk. I asked the woman to tell me what the transactions had been since I had accessed the account two days ago. She responded with "Well...it looks like earlier today Tasha deposited a check for the amount of $584.25 into this checking account."

I didn't hesitate to respond "This is a mistake, that money should not be in there, could you transfer that into her own primary account?"

I called Tasha to tell her about what was happening, and she ignored my call. I had my mom call her, explain to her the mistake she had made, and let her know that it was being corrected.

This is the only time in the 3 years that I have had that account that Tasha has made that mistake. AND she did it on the day that I had her removed from the account, so not only was it the last day she could have made that mistake, but also she could have done nothing to get that money back whatsoever.

It was Karma slapping her in the face for me. But I gave the money back. I've already had people tell me that I was stupid to give such a waste of air that money, that I deserved to gain it and she deserved to lose it. But I just can't handle that. It wasn't mine. I don't want her money.

Even though my mom was one of the people who said I should have run with it, she called me later and told me again how proud she was of me.

Dr. Meyer

Yesterday I went to a new dentist. I was squeamish all day. Dreading and fearing and worrying and freaking out; it was a rough day. I don't like going to the dentist. My teeth are sensitive and I don't like people's hands in my mouth. It was easily the best experience I have ever had with a dentist. I would even say it was enjoyable. My dentist, Dr. Meyer, was very much so like a friend of mine, only on speed. He didn't call me an idiot once, or give me the (you-have-been-a-very-very-bad-sugar-consuming-girl) look. He offered me a $80 tooth brush for $17. AND he recommend a paste that is guaranteed to build up my enamel and get rid of my weakness and sensitivity. I would even call the experience awesome.

The Game

Not the one that you just lost. The one that we are playing right now. It's a game called Amber which is based on a book series. The game is so infinitely entertaining that I strongly recommend it to all. I am going to read these books. They sound mind blowing.